Just Today's Thoughts

Today we were honoured to be invited to an infant baptism, and for me, this was a bitter-sweet experience as I was catapulted into a long, long list of memories baptizing my own children.

For this family, it was the third child being baptized.  For me, in my life, this same event was marked nearly 10 years ago.  I feel way too young to have this much history in my life.  Our youngest only being baptized 2 short years ago...I feel like I have packed in so much in the last 16 years of marriage.

But then...what greater gift?  I feel blessed to have experienced so much in so little time.

I want to shout out to these friends...Go for it!  Live Full-Out!!  You won't know how you do it.  Some days, you won't know how you are going to make it.  But the sun always sets, and rises again.  Another day has come and gone, and another day conquered and lived.

You will survive.

And the memories will be many...

Baptism of Josephine on St. Valentines Day 2010

A Cry in the Night

There is that moment, that moment when, as a parent you feel

helpless.

All the usual techniques of comforting a little one in the night don't work.  They don't want their own bed, they don't want mommy's bed.  Every little question whispered in the night is answered with a screaming, violent, "No!"
A voice in my head is saying:  "Wow.  In this moment I don't have the answer".

I'm supposed to have the answer.


In this instance, I held my upset daughter in my bed, and staring at the ceiling, I just waited.
I was there and I was waiting for her to realise it.  I don't know where the patience came from, because at times, I just wanted to scream too.  STOP CRYING!  PLEASE JUST STOP.
Eventually, she stopped, and slept through the night next to me.  Another episode in the night was survived.

While I was staring at the ceiling, it did get me thinking.  Thinking that I also have a parent.  I also scream and shout.  Something just hurts.  God is there for me, like a parent.  Waiting for me to realise that He is there for me.  He won't scream and shout.  He has unending patience for my outbursts.
I know this won't be the first time I think about God in my parenting.

In fact, I'm sure this is just the beginning.  

A Quiet Evening

I was beginning to think that I should leave blogging to the real bloggers of the blogging world.  The ones that actually blog!

I thought to myself, "just because I love to read other blogs, doesn't mean that I should be a blogger myself."  We can appreciate things, and enjoy them without doing it ourselves.   (Can we?)
Anyway, I'm back.  Back to write and think in my own little world.
The one little private space I have left...

Speaking of space, just today I ordered everyone out of my kitchen.  After they were long gone...literally running from a grouchy mamma, I was still yelling,  "I need some space!"  "Why are you all just standing around here?"  "Don't you have something you need to be doing?"  Poor two year old.  She was quickly saved by an older sibling who clearly understood that the little one did nothing wrong.  A two year old should be able to stand around with nothing to do right?

Thankfully, nobody was angry with me.  Everyone understood that Mom had a moment.  A collapsing kind of thing.  Mom kind of mentally collapsed....just soooo tired.
Someone asked me recently how we sleep, and for a moment I thought, "there was one year there where we had a good sleep, but the last 14 years or so haven't been great."

Better sleep would help, but I enjoy the peaceful evenings.  Everything is quiet, and I can escape to my last little private spaces.  Writing, reading, and connecting with my best friend and partner in this great adventure.

Short. Just Short.

I've been raising my voice a lot lately.  O.K....Yelling.
Flat out Y E L L I N G

At the kids. 
I always feel bad after.  I know it's not that productive.  But my nerves are short lately.

Kind of like my sentences.

I used to be so calm.  The kind of person who could have 20 kids jumping all over me and I would just politely say:  "Could you all get off me now please?"  Now,   I feel like saying....actually yelling... something much more inappropriate.

Of course I don't do this.  The inappropriate part. 
But I feel like it.
Lately, I feel like that all the time.

Is this a late thirties-mom thing that I'm not used to?  As we get older, do we lose our tempers more easily?
Is it hormones?
Stress?
The rain?

Anyway, this is my blogspot confession.  I haven't written anything in ages, so why not use it for some personal therapy?
Yet even as I type the words, I feel a sense of peace coming over me. 
I think I know why I'm yelling now, and it has nothing to do with age.

It has more to do with how much I need some quiet, meditative time with God. 
I don't think I'll yell as much after some time with Him.

You Get What You Get

Life is such a funny thing. 
One thing I've noticed about homeschooling is that my kids get to see me (and their Dad) at our worst more often than we would like.  Sometimes I dream of a day when I could be having a melt down, hide it well enough to get the kids out of the house, and then have my meltdown privately...

I remember one of my homeschooled nephews telling me when he was just a little boy, "Auntie  Daphne, when you have a big family you can forget about privacy and personal hygiene".  I never laughed so hard.  He was so right, and little did I know it at the time!  Privacy is quickly becoming a rare treat indeed.  As for hygiene...well, you try grabbing a shower around seven other people!

We have bad days...bad weeks.  Recently my husband and I have agreed this has been a bad MONTH.  I confided to him that I feel badly that we are sometimes not the best examples for our kids.  We show it when we are angry or hurt.  Showing a variety of feelings is a common occurance around here.  We can't hide it when we are not getting along. 
He laughed, shrugged his shoulders and said:  "You get what you get".  In other words, they got US.  His humour about the issue made me feel a whole lot better.

Yup, you get what you get.