Looking up

There is a little boy in my house who just turned four.  He is a most curious little fellow.  He is ten years younger than his older brother, and very nearly worships his every move.

Only lately we have noticed that it has become more than a "just looking up to" kind of thing.  He has even begun to request being called by big brothers name.  And just today, I noticed that he keeps switching his stocking from his hook, on to big brothers stocking hook. Each stocking is hanging from a hook with a picture of the child, so Santa knows who's is who's.  Little brother is now big brother, so I think Santa is going to be rather confused.

Yes...this "looking up to" thing has reached a whole new level!

Short. Just Short.

I've been raising my voice a lot lately.  O.K....Yelling.
Flat out Y E L L I N G

At the kids. 
I always feel bad after.  I know it's not that productive.  But my nerves are short lately.

Kind of like my sentences.

I used to be so calm.  The kind of person who could have 20 kids jumping all over me and I would just politely say:  "Could you all get off me now please?"  Now,   I feel like saying....actually yelling... something much more inappropriate.

Of course I don't do this.  The inappropriate part. 
But I feel like it.
Lately, I feel like that all the time.

Is this a late thirties-mom thing that I'm not used to?  As we get older, do we lose our tempers more easily?
Is it hormones?
Stress?
The rain?

Anyway, this is my blogspot confession.  I haven't written anything in ages, so why not use it for some personal therapy?
Yet even as I type the words, I feel a sense of peace coming over me. 
I think I know why I'm yelling now, and it has nothing to do with age.

It has more to do with how much I need some quiet, meditative time with God. 
I don't think I'll yell as much after some time with Him.

Pray for Banana

We try to pray together as a family, in our living room, at the end of the day when we are all together.  The kids kneel down at the coffee table and we begin our "said prayers" and then end with a "Dear Lord Jesus...."

I love to watch and listen to the really little ones, struggling to keep up...murmuring the prayers the best they can, and sometimes doing it loudly to really "show off", and feel like big kids too.

It is a Catholic tradition to pray for the deceased, and so our kids pray for their "Grandpa who died, and Nana".  All of our older kids do this, and then break off into their own requests and (hopefully) gratitudes...

That is the best part.  The part where they break off into their own....

I especially loved the prayer of my five year old, when she asked that we would have a really happy life.
The following evening she asked that her family would always be together, and in her own words "would never break apart". 
But just last night, our three year old boy, who has prayed only for basketball, baseball, and mentioned every boy he knows and loves, well...he prayed for banana.

We just figured out....he is praying for the deceaced too.

Praying for Nana.

More than Enough

I have been asked some amazing questions over the years regarding our choice to have a "bigger-than-normal" family.  The most common inquiry is whether or not we will have more, followed by how patient we must be, or insane we must be.  I have often chuckled to myself after someone compliments me or my husband on our appearance upon learning that we have six children.  I think the expectation is that we are supposed to look like total crap!

The point is, we have tried to take this all in stride, and have a sense of humor about it.

Until yesterday.

Yesterday I was asked the most incredulous question of them all.  I was asked if I had enough love for all my children.  This woman was telling me how she didn't know after her first child, if she could really have enough love for another child.  She did have another child, and she said, "Of course I did have enough love for that child, but is it the same for five or six children?  Do you really have enough love for them all?"

I can't really remember anything after that.  The first thing that went through my head was how I was going to blog about this moment.  I must have smiled politely or something....I really didn't have anything to say, except something along the lines of how I loved them all, and they love each other so much too.

I have been asked if I have time for them all, but I have never been questioned on my love for more than the average amount of children.  My response is this.  I think I love them more.  I have had a child when I was a young adult myself, and my last baby was born when I was 34. I like to think that I have matured through those years, that I know more about life than I did when I was in my twenties.  I value life, health, family more.  I love more.  Care more.  Know a little more, and a little more....

I also believe that the love in our family is multiplied.  A child is not only loved by their parents, but by their older siblings who can lift them up for a cuddle, or help put on a bandaid.  There is always someone to look out for you in a big family, someone to talk to or play with.

While I know this all sounds a little flowery, I admit that the negative aspects of a big family are also multiplied.  More on that in a future blog.

For now, (and from now on) my response to some of the more surprising questions will be:
"There is more than enough love to go around."

You Get What You Get

Life is such a funny thing. 
One thing I've noticed about homeschooling is that my kids get to see me (and their Dad) at our worst more often than we would like.  Sometimes I dream of a day when I could be having a melt down, hide it well enough to get the kids out of the house, and then have my meltdown privately...

I remember one of my homeschooled nephews telling me when he was just a little boy, "Auntie  Daphne, when you have a big family you can forget about privacy and personal hygiene".  I never laughed so hard.  He was so right, and little did I know it at the time!  Privacy is quickly becoming a rare treat indeed.  As for hygiene...well, you try grabbing a shower around seven other people!

We have bad days...bad weeks.  Recently my husband and I have agreed this has been a bad MONTH.  I confided to him that I feel badly that we are sometimes not the best examples for our kids.  We show it when we are angry or hurt.  Showing a variety of feelings is a common occurance around here.  We can't hide it when we are not getting along. 
He laughed, shrugged his shoulders and said:  "You get what you get".  In other words, they got US.  His humour about the issue made me feel a whole lot better.

Yup, you get what you get.

9 Reasons I can Think of to Keep Homeschooling

I'M NOT SURE I SHOULD STILL BE HOMESCHOOLING WHEN....

1. I find my 18mth old walking around on the top bunk after I have removed the ladder and even moved a dresser in front of the climbing bars.

2. Other little ones have enjoyed cat food for a snack.

3. When reading a poem about "fall" and "apples" my five year old can't even hear me.

4. The printer won't work. Again.

5. After re-stocking all the school supplies, NOBODY can find a PENCIL.

6. Nobody can find an ERASER.

7. Nobody can find a RULER. Or a CALCULATOR. All of which we have in multiples of 13.

8. The printer is working! But there is no more ink.

9. Dinner (at lunchtime)  has miraculously been provided, with all the major food groups...and most of the family has the flu.

10. I need a shower because I'm beginning to look like Albert Einstein, and I'm the Mom.

11. We get to do it all again tomorrow.

A FEW REASONS WE ARE STILL HOMESCHOOLING....

1. My kids read. All the time. On the deck when the sun is shinning, or on the couch in front of the fire when it's raining.

2. They love to be home with each other, most of the time.

3. I get to see them learn new things, and see them help others in need of help.(usually me)

4. When school is finished, they are excited about dance, music, and everything else to do in the evening.

5. They love to write.

6. Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, and C.S Lewis were homeschooled and they turned out ok.


7.  We have time to talk.


8. Impromptu trips to the beach with an impromptu picnic.

9. Impromptu lots of things.

I think tomorrow should be one of those days, with a coffee in hand.

A slice of tired pie

It's been that kind of a week. The kind of week where you wonder if you are going to make it through another year. This week I felt like I was just treading water... not really getting anywhere, not going backwards, just staying a float. Well...kind of.

I used to have a great attitude about times like this...I would think to myself, "this too shall pass" or "nothing is forever", knowing deep down that I won't always be doing what I am doing right now. (The un-fun stuff that is. The spilled milk, the spilled coffee, the tantrums, the colds, the coughs, the teething, the driving, and so on.)
In short, I used to be more positive.

I'm just tired. Anyway, one thing is for sure. I definately need to carve out that little something for me, otherwise I'm pretty sure I won't be much fun for anyone. What does one do? Schedule a bunch of solo mini-dates with myself? Pull out my violin?

P r a c t i c e?

I saw a pie-making class recently, that kind of appealed to me. I have never made pastry before, and I think if I could pull off some homemade pies, I might not only feel better...but I'll be a hero in my own house.

The possibilities are endless. I could master my craft and end up at the local farmers markets, then enter contests. This might be the thing I've been waiting for.

I am being a bit facetious, (yes, I'm tired) but do ask me about my pies in about a year.
Give me one year.

Camping 101

The very first thing I do when the first summer camping trip is suggested is take a deep breath. Don't get me wrong...I love camping! Afterall, we went camping for our honeymoon. That's what you do for your honeymoon when you are still practically kids and there is no real bank account in place yet!
We continued to camp (in a tent)with babies and toddlers, and more babies, and more toddlers. I consider that if we are not professional campers, we are at the very least professionals at camping with small children!

We have all the gear. You can sleep a small village in our tent. But, somewhere along the lines, after our third baby we decided that it would be a little more comfortable to sleep off the ground with a little bit of heat, so we bought our tent trailer. After a few comfortable years of camping with our trailer, we now need our tent along again anyway! Several of us now fight over who will sleep in the tent. This is just fine with me...you won't find me in the tent again. Been there, done that!

Anyway! After the initial deep breath, I begin with my list of food. It's not a grocery list, but a list with what we will eat each day. Snacks included. "Adult drinks" included! Then I start putting it all in a big container. The kids pack a small backpack of clothes, and it's the one time I don't double check what they bring, because it really doesn't matter when you are camping. Of course for us there are ALOT of extras...diapers, wipes, blankies, bibs, sippy cups, stroller, playpen and so on. For us, this is all standard anyway, so it doesn't take much thought anymore!

Dad packs the truck, hooks up the trailer. Pulls the trailer. Finds the campground, books the campground. Dad does most of the work for camping trips. Afterall he is the wood finder, the wood chopper, the fire starter, the water finder, water hooker-upper, the fixer of all things broken. Heck, I still don't even know how to turn on the heat in the trailer, and he doesn't even get to sleep in there anymore!

And yet, he still suggests the camping trips year after year, and I'm still the one taking the deep breath. Go figure.

Thanks Babe. We love you for it!

Random Things About Me

After the heavy blog post of last week, I decided to do something a little different.

15 Very Random Things you might not know about me.

Here is goes:

1. I blog while I am trying to get my kids to sleep.

2. I blog on my husbands new apple Macbook pro, because I secretly want one myself. You see, I bought him the Macbook, and he bought me a cute, but frightfully slow PC notebook. Poor guy. (Poor me!)

3. Writing is a passion of mine, but it comes behind my desire to be a doula.

4. Pregnancy and childbirth are therefore my number one passion, and I plan on becoming a doula as soon as I can. I am hoping to begin the process in the fall.

5. I also wonder why music, and all things violinistic do not go in my first place spot for things I am passionate about. I suppose it could tie for second place...I couldn't live without music.

6. I was raised Baptist, but converted to Catholicism in 2000.

7. I always wanted lots of kids.

8. I used to bring my dolls to my violin lessons.

9. I love to read, and I admire the ability to write and create stories in other authors.

10. My three top favourite composers are: Bach, Beethoven and Mozart. When I have been in labor, I listened to the Bach Goldberg Variations.

11. Now that I live on the West Coast, I never want to leave.

12. My biggest fear is ever having to move again.

13. I tried my first cigarette in Grade 9, and I still enjoy smoking. I have one every night. It's my own little secret bad habit. My little nightcap.

14. I don't think I pray enough.

15. I wish I had a HUGE Kitchen. Like, HUGE.

That's all folks!

Sister love

Sisters. I find myself looking at my four daughters and contemplating the relationship that they are so lucky to have with each other, and yet I know that it will challenge them too.

I am the youngest of three girls. I arrived on the scene five years after my sister, and the older two are two years apart. I was always close with my sisters. They spoiled me when I was little, and I looked up to them more than they know. I truly admired my older sisters, and I wanted to be just like them.

Now, the only relationship I have is with my oldest sister. My middle sister who I will call "Linnie", doesn't want to be a part of our family. No one has heard from her in nearly a year. It's complicated. The hurt is deep, and the history is heavy. What I don't think Linnie understands is that a family also has a history, and the love is deep.

I believe that Faith is one of the ways that we can understand the transforming power of Unconditional Love. I believe that to love oneself is only possible through understanding God's love for us. I think that this is what my sister is missing. She doesn't love God. She doesn't love herself. She couldn't possibly understand how much we love her. But we do. We love her Unconditionally. It's not a perfect love. There have been many times when the hurt has prohibited me from loving Linnie too. But time goes by, and slowly I come around and extend my hand again. And again. Linnie isn't ready to accept my love yet, not until she is able to love herself. I'll keep showing her that I'm here and want a relationship with her. I'll keep loving her.

God helps me to do this, because I can't do it alone.

Sugar Free

When I decided to set up my blog, I figured I had a lot to say. Only two blogs later, I think it's time I better say something!!!!

So, I'm going to talk about my recent decision to limit sugar in my house. For me this began a few months ago. I kind of did it cold turkey...no extra sweets, no sugar in my coffee and so on. I made other changes to my diet, but ultimately about 2 and a half months later, I dropped 20 pounds. I have replaced the sugar with an artificial sweetener at times (Splenda), and I would like to kick that next. But for now, I can safely say that I don't eat regular sugar on a regular basis anymore.

I decided that sugar was a secret villain in my household and recently have tried to limit it's amount for my kids as well. For example, I learned recently that one of those long freezies that I used to hand out to my kids on hot summer days, contain as much sugar as a regular can of pop!!! Yikes! I don't let my kids drink pop, so why give it to them in these other forms? In the meantime, I have made many batches of my own popsicles. Here is a great recipe that you can feel good about eating and giving to your kids...(Yes, my 3 year old has even had more than one a day!!!!)

Blend: 1 cup of yogurt, 1/2 cup of crushed pineapple, 6 strawberries and one sliced banana. Pour into popsicle molds and enjoy!!!

Radio

I love radio.

When I was a kid, my mom used to have the CBC radio on in the kitchen when she was busy cooking and baking. Back then, I thought it was boring and kind of old fashioned. "News" was something grown-ups watched and listened to. Now, thirty years later, I find it ironic that I rarely play anything but radio on my ipod docking station which is on my kitchen counter...

My addiction to radio probably has something to do with my need for "adult" conversation during my days at home raising the kids. It's like one side of a completely adult conversation! You can just listen, and you don't have to respond out loud. You can just think what you think.

I've learned a lot about the world listening to the radio, and I've met many interesting and intelligent people. (They just haven't met me!)

Perhaps the best thing about radio however, is the fact that unlike other conversations, you can simply turn it off when you don't like what you hear.

Muse

I don't know when I got the idea to blog...I've noticed a few of my friends starting and I guess I thought that while I'm checking email, facebook and doing just about everything else online....well, why not muse online too? 

The thought originated out of my complete lack of journaling throughout my life.  I have said so many times that I wish I would have "written that down".  I thought that perhaps this would be a neat way to actually account for some of the more interesting, funny and profound things that happen in my life, all while getting to dust off my writing skills!

I am a musician by trade.  Violinist.  When I decided to go into music, it was a tough decision between pursuing my love of journalism and writing, or pursuing music.  Needless to say, I am a much better musician than writer!  It all matters rather little now, as I am a professional mom and homeschooler..  Sure, my music and writing skills are valuable, but not nearly as valuable as my multi-tasking skills!  I have the equivalent to a post-doctorate in multi-tasking.

So, I am entering the blogging world as a means to muse on my days at home with 3 homeschooling children, as well as 3 preschoolers.  I am sure that some musings will be humorous, others not so funny, but I am hoping to discover and uncover more of myself in the process.

definition of "muse":    to think or meditate in silence, as on some subject

perfect!